ARE YOU PROUD OF
WHO I AM?

Fabian was in his room, staring at the ceiling. The next day was the beginning of Training. How would Zander do? What was running through his head? He looked at the wall that had the print of clouds. They wanted him to feel like he was in Heaven? This was no Heaven by far. He was no where near perfection. He heard a knock at the door and went to open it. He saw Zander standing there.

love is kind,
love is sweet. love has no walls.


Fierce and sad eyes looked at the bottle of alcohol on the table that he had been drinking. Now that what he did with Demo's....he just couldn't belief what he had done. Or what a deal he had made. Guilt riddled him as he felt like he really betrayed Hark. The first boyfriend he had and the first person he loved in a relationship. Demo's seemed to love him but that might because he didn't have many options and everyone was close to death. The drunk boy who had tears on his eyes wondered around the broken alcohol bottle that he had thrown a bit ago. Knocking on Fabians door until it opened and he walked in." Hey Fabulous Fabian...you looking attractive today." He spoke with sadness as he felt like a huge whore for not sticking to his plans and for not being truthful." Your not going to belief how much crap I have gotten into." Teary eyed as he stumbled backwards sitting onto the bed.

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ARE YOU PROUD OF
WHO I AM?

"Are you okay?" he asked. Zander walked through the door. He seemed very hesitant. Fabian knew something was up. Something happened, that Zander didn't want to tell him, unless parts of it. "You can tell me," he said. He put his hand on Zander's shoulder, and looked into his eyes. Alcohol. He thought. "Have you been drinking?" he asked. Fabian was standing, waiting for a reply. He knew he had been, just trying to see how bad it was by Zander's reaction. The man had never been in a situation like this, it wasn't expected at all. He didn't know what to do.

love is kind,
love is sweet. love has no walls.


Yes im doing really fine." Zander spoke but it sounded kind of funky when he did. The he felt a hand on his shoulder as Fabian looked into his eyes. Zander felt guilt and didn't want to be touched again by another guy afraid of what it can lead to. Even Fabian was nice, Zander was drunk and was having a hard time really thinking of what he had done. Raising the bottle with angry eyes toward Fabi touching him." DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME" He yelled pushing his hand off him as he listened to his other question." Yes I have been drinking what does it look like." He looked at Fabian with his brown eyes after yelling and talking bitterly he held the sheets to the nice bed and cried a bit." I'm so sorry for yelling like that,...Its just I'm just having a hard time with something."

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ARE YOU PROUD OF
WHO I AM?

Zander was torn, Fabian could tell. As Zander pushed his hand away, he let him. Fabian didn't like seeing people drunk though. "I'm.. sorry." he said. Zander was yelling, and Fabian knew that the alcohol had taken over his body. His body wasn't used to it, and he must have consumed too much for his own good. "What is it," he said. He handed Zander a tissue, and held one below his chin to catch his tears. Fabian didn't know what would happen next. He was afraid. Anxious. His blood was pumping quickly, even though his exterior was calm.

love is kind,
love is sweet. love has no walls.


The Z man appreciated the tissues and the apology even though it was his own fault. How would he be able to tell of something that was his own fault for making? He didn't want to hear Fabian yell or tell him it was all his fault because he honestly didn't have many options. Besides a Ally was good to have and could enhance his chance of winning. "Well I was...in the restroom when the District 3 guy came in." A sigh escaped his lips as he wiped his tears off his cheek with the tissue." He complimented..me...and was eager and such....and I-I....I made a really stupid deal." Zander tried to stop tearing but he just kept sniffling in his drunken state. It was clear he shouldn't have drunk the alcohol." I betrayed...him and I'm afraid I wont be forgiven." The him he was referring to was Hark.
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ARE YOU PROUD OF
WHO I AM?

"No, no no. It's okay. I'm sure he'll understand." he said. Fabian saw the state that Zander was in and sympathized with him. Somethings you just can't stop. Somethings you just have to let go. "Some things happen for a reason," he said. Fabian couldn't help but crying for him, it was his nature. It was a part of him. He hadn't known Zander for long, but he hoped he'd win. "I want you to win," he said. Zander began crying, "Shh, you're going to make me start." he said softly. Hopefully Zander can learn more about himself in this experience. He probably hadn't done anything like it ever in his life.

love is kind,
love is sweet. love has no walls.


No..I'm a bad boy who offered himself off to the first person to offer a deal to save my skin." He wept into the tissue barely hearing Fabians comforting words. Zander had never done anything besides kissing before the games. Now here he was after the events with Demos. Something he just didn't do out of being good and the things he did.....he wished he could stop and replay time to fix it." I guess these games really take away innocence in more way then one" He responded too Fabians comment about things happening for a reason. Laying his head on Fabians shoulder as he weeped feeling guilty and scared. What the alliance was nothing and Demo's killed him. It was something he was hoping wouldn't happened. Zander looked at Fabian with his brown eyes that had been filled with tears on and off."Why? Its not like I'm the person I was before....I let it change me Fabian." He was shaky with his voice not caring if his crying caused Fabian to cry. Fabians comfort was much appreciated as he didn't have to do it but did it out of kindness Zander assumed. "Now..what will I do...if Demo's is expecting a lover story in the games.....I just..don't have feelings for him like I do for Hark or you or for anybody." He had to admit that he did care for Fabian but his words were weird right now as he was drunk and just guilty. Zander nuzzled his head against Fabians shoulder drunkenly with sigh." Your a really good guy Fabian"

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ARE YOU PROUD OF
WHO I AM?

"No you're not," he said. Zander was talking. Before Fabian knew it, Zander was laying his head on his shoulder. Fabian felt so bad. He had never been in a situation like this. What was he going to do? He wasn't going to take advantage of the boy at a weak state. Besides, Fabian wasn't one to give himself away easily. Not that he has anyway. "They haven't taken away your innocence," he said. "You're always innocent in my eyes," he stated. Fabian smiled a little. "You are still the same to me." Soon Zander was choking as if he were going to cry, and a tear ran down Fabian's cheek. "I'm not," he said.

love is kind,
love is sweet. love has no walls.


Zander felt better when Fabian said he wasn't a bad boy. It was comforting words but Zander couldn't help but feel like he was a little bit."Thank you for the kind words." Zanders eyes were wet but he began trying to calm himself down. A smile went acrossed his face when he heard that Fabian thought that they hadn't taken his innocence and that he would be in Fabi's eyes. His brown eyes wet from tears looked at Fabi for a long moment before kissing his cheek in a peck like way. At least he could feel better that the last thing his lips touched was someone he actually cared about rather then Demo's. The boy cared for Demo's...but not in that way. With hark he would of cared so much in that special way...an with Fabian he did care with hints of special...but he knew that could never happened because his heart belonged to Hark." You are really a great guy Fabian, don't say your not because you are." Letting his hand pat Fabians for that moment before taking his head off his shoulder and wiping a tear strand off his cheek now that the stopped. "So what do you think i should do about the Demo's tribute of three and loving me." Zander sighed at how much he truly messed up." Everyone at home will see...faking it....my sister, Constance.....and Hark." Frustrated words came out of his mouth."...I don't know what to do.
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ARE YOU PROUD OF
WHO I AM?

He was contradicting. He didn't know his identity. But Fabian was going to help him in every and any way that he could. "Anything, always." he stated. Fabian was looking into Zander's eyes, and he knew that something was coming. He turned away to avoid an awkward moment. But Zander's lips pressed his cheeks, and he smiled. "You didn't have to do that to make me feel better," he said. Fabian wasn't worried about himself. He was worried about Zander. A lot. He didn't want him to go into the Arena unprepared. "How am I?" he asked. "I'm just, normal." he said. Fabian thought for a second. "I think that.. you do what you have to do to win, that's true to yourself. No more becoming someone else, if that's what you think you've done?" he said. He turned towards Zander and looked into his eyes as he continued talking, and then leaned in and kissed him on the forehead.

love is kind,
love is sweet. love has no walls.


Yes I did...because you didn't have to comfort me...but you did and I liked it." Zander sat and listened to his awnser to his major question on what he thought he should do. A smile came onto his face trying to be chipper like on the train...but even that was just dampening his guilt at the moment." I will try but....its just I feel like I have changed with me just giving my self up for a deal...I mean..i should of been able to say no." Zander was patricianly talking to him and he want to redo time. Then he felt a kiss on his forehead and he looked up from his hands and before Fabian could move his head off his forehead. He lowered Fabi's and tilted his own and kissed him softly and passionately. "Please..Fabian don't let my first be with someone I don't care about...and if I die I want it to be with someone I care about like you." He whispered in a soft voice. Maybe it was the alcohol or his own desire to not want his first to be wasted on someone he didn't care about. If he couldn't make it home to Hark then he would of picked Fabian since he did have slight feelings for him.

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ARE YOU PROUD OF
WHO I AM?

Fabian didn't know why he felt the need to kiss Zander on the forehead, it just felt right in the moment. And he didn't regret it for one second. "Thanks," he said. Fabian listened attentively about the "deal", and was trying to figure out exactly how far the two went with this deal. Did they go all the way? Probably or else Zander wouldn't be feeling this bad. But where, how did they get around Peacekeepers? What is the most private -- the restroom. Fabian figured it out. That's why he hadn't seen Zander. "It's okay, don't worry." he said. Before Fabian knew it Zander kissed his lips. He let his mouth open for a French kiss, hoping that Zander would return the favor. After it was over, Fabian laughed a  little. But things got serious when Zander asked him the question. "I can't," he said. "I've already crossed the line." he stated.

love is kind,
love is sweet. love has no walls.


Zander directly into Fabians blue eyes. He almost wondered if they were contacts or something cosmetically fake like most of the capitol. Something he couldn't understand like wanting a different colored eye then the one given. Zander now felt safe and calm and comfortable enough to tell what happened." Demo's....flirted with me in the bathroom...i tried telling him about Hark but he wouldn't listen, Then the idea..came and i asked when he ...couldn't say no because of what was going on.....I woke up the next morning being fondled and i freaked because i thought it was Hark in a dream."...It felt weird talking about what happened then leaving Fabian in the dark. It helped Zander get it off his chest though a little bit.

When kissing Fabian it felt not forced in the way of wanting a ally. He didn't want to admit it but he di enjoy it. He took notice of Fabians mouth opening and took advantage of it for French kissing him. Tribute of eight had feelings of liking when kissing him since it was somebody he cared about and seemed too care about him. Then when he was done he heard the laugh and was afraid it was mocker. Fabian didn't seem like the type to mock and he didn't. Looking into his eyes sort of hoping he'd change his mind somehow. "What line?....its just too friends kissing and one wanting more...hoping the other does to." His hand ended up touching Fabians as he started to talk again." Why not shatter the line into pieces since you crossed it."
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ARE YOU PROUD OF
WHO I AM?

"They're actually green," he stated. Fabian didn't like the green of his eyes, so he got contacts to make them any color he wanted. Blue, brown, red, yellow, golden, whatever. The Capitol had everything. "Things happen all the time." Fabian looked down at the floor. Thinking of what to do next. After they kissed, it felt like the elephant of the room had left. It had finally happened. They had a connection the minute they met, but neither of them hadn't truly noticed. Until that now. "I'm your escort," he said. "I'm practically welcoming to your possible death with a happy face. And I don't want to, it's just not worth hurting you." he said, and patted Zander's back. Zander kept asking. "I can't, I'm sorry. But remember what I told you. In that Arena. Do what you have to, and I can help you. It's a two-way street. I know it's not like you. But kill who you have to in order to survive. It's a part of what they've brought you into. If you don't, then I can't help you. Because of the quell.." he stated.

love is kind,
love is sweet. love has no walls.


Then why change them?" The capitol could of probably provided a rainbow of colors. Maybe even some that wouldn't come naturally. Their was a lot of things he just didn't understand. Like forcing children to possibly make connection and then have to turn around and slit their throat. Zander looked down at his bracelet that Hark gave him. It was a continuous reminded of home and the things he was fighting to see again. The odds of him winning were slim but he did always have the running on his side. Maybe he could make it to the cornucopia first and then run for it. " Losing your virginity was on the highlights on my not to do list." The thought that he even did that surprised him. I guess he really would have to get used to the idea of doing what he had to survive. Looking at Fabian after he explained how he didn't want to hurt him and then he noticed too things. One being that connection that had seemed to be their when they met and he hadn't noticed. The other being the almost hint at the end." You know Fabian...if I didn't know better I'd say i have been your favorite tribute to be escorted." He smiled and laughed a little and then decided to ask." Was that a hint Fabian? and if i don't kill the capitol will kill me? " Zander felt rude loading on the question after that kiss moment but he needed and wanted to know." Help as in send a gift?"

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ARE YOU PROUD OF
WHO I AM?

"Green is good, perfection, I'm not." he stated. Fabian didn't want to show as if he were perfect. He had scars, more than Zander could even count. Literally. "I've had my run-ins with the Capitol law." he said. "As you can imagine from what just happened, I do what I want." he said. Fabian laughed a little with Zander. He touched his hand "Well that's not fair," he stated. "you're the first District 8 Tribute I've ever met. And kissed. he chuckled. The conversation suddenly turned serious again. Zander wanted to know what would happen. But from what Fabian understood, he couldn't answer all of his questions that he may want to ask. "Yes, send a gift. But you have to work with me so I can help you. From what I've heard, it's kill, ask, receive." he suggested.

love is kind,
love is sweet. love has no walls.


Zander felt bad when Fabian said he wasn't good. He had been a good escort to him. Maybe not the one to stick to rules but he was still his favorite escort. Considering he was the only escort he met so far. "Fabian You are good! No cant be perfect though....Im not perfect either." A smile was on his face and he realized Fabians hand touched Zanders. He held it for the remainder of him talking about how he did what he wanted." You sure do." He let go of his hand afraid of making a awkward moment. It seemed the moments followed Fabian and Zander like shadows. A laugh came out of the boy as he then nudged Fabian in a playful manner feeling a little more happier but still drunk." Fine. Because of my advantages...can I settle for second favorite tribute to be escorted." He chuckled again and realized a question he didn't ask." What district did you escort before eight?" Then the conversation had another serious tone as Zander played with his thumbs listening as much as he could. Still he was sort of drunk."Oooo...well..how much do item cost for sponsors usually?"

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ARE YOU PROUD OF
WHO I AM?

Fabian tries to do his best with this conversation. The truth was, he did want to give Zander exactly what he wanted. But Zander was under the influence, and it just wouldn't be right, he could be acting as a totally different person. Although it didn't seem like it. And, Zander had a boyfriend, what would Fabian look like tearing them apart? "You're perfect to me," he said with a smile. Fabian's heart was racing, at what would happen next, but he had to calm himself down. He couldn't do it. But it was so tempting. Fabian laughed at Zander's comment about the favorite Tribute. "Ten," he said. "like--" he started, but cut himself off. Fabian could tell that Zander was still out of it, but slowing coming back, little by little. "Depends on what it is. But the prices raise every Game Day." he said.

love is kind,
love is sweet. love has no walls.


Zander wanted Fabian to be his last if he was to die. He had made he emotions sort of clear even in the mist of his anger, sadness and drunkenness. If he died and the last person he had a intimate moment with was that Demos from three. He would feel more then guilt...but dirtiness probably. "..Ok...your not perfect...divine." Zander smirked a little. The fact that it was in a bathroom didn't help the case either. Now he was here with someone that cared...and it wasn't in a gross restroom. Even by capitol standers a restroom was still a restroom. His ears hearing ten and then like before Fabian cut himself off." Ten like yourself? What where you going to say?." Looking at him wondering before he noticed Fabians cheeks were a little wet from crying. Raising a new tissue to his cheek wiping carefully."ohhh.." Zander responded looking into Fabians eyes still wanting him to take his offer. Practically begging for it if he could."I....I.." Zander couldn't muster enough to fully ask the question yet. Tilting his head and kisses him softly before stopping and looking at him again." I wish you really could make my last be with someone I cared about." A
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ARE YOU PROUD OF
WHO I AM?

Fabian looked up. Divine? What does that mean? A good thing of course. But divine is such a.. complicated word. "Divine?" he asked. Fabian wanted to say something badly, but he had to contain himself. He had listened to Zander's story for only a few days, and he felt like he had known him forever. Why was it so complicated? Zander was going to die, wouldn't his request mean enough for Fabian to fulfill it? "I was going to say that.. you were a ten." he said. Fabian used his finger and gently traced away the teardrops from Zander's face. Once Fabian had been asked again, he knew that it was important enough to at least.. try. Even if it meant that he would lose his job, or whatever, he'd do whatever it takes to make Zander happy. "Hand me.. the alcohol." he said. He pointed over to the dresser where it was in the mini-fridge.

love is kind,
love is sweet. love has no walls.


Zander watched Fabian look up after he told him he was divine. To answer his question would be on opinion to Zander divine meant something better then perfect or a fancier way to say perfect. To others it could mean otherworldly perfect." Its a fancier way to say perfect....or that's at least that's how i have always seen it." Zander didn't fully understand why he felt like he had been Fabians best friend for centuries. He knew that he made friends easily but...why did he have these feelings for him. Maybe he was just really likable and because he loves so easily that people fall for him. Now he felt badly thinking that maybe sounded vain. "I'm...just a eight." Zander didn't want to sound like bragger of his own appearance but he knew that he wasn't ugly. Which to him knowing that your ok was good and as long as you liked yourself. Then others would too. The touch on his cheek from Fabians finger tracing away the cheeks. Fabian didn't have to do it...but the fact that he did it in kindness made Zander feel happy about the soft touch. Then the question came and it caused Zander to nod and get up and get alcohol for Fabian from he mini fridge. He walked back and handed it too him with a smile." Be careful...drink too much and you may get a little.....I don't know how to describe it." Zander sat back down. He hadn't never drunken before this night and he had managed to get drunk. He had just been full of anger and sadness that had been now replaced with a little bit of happy and feelings he couldn't describe.

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love is kind,
love is sweet. love has no walls.


Zander watched Fabian look up after he told him he was divine. To answer his question would be on opinion to Zander divine meant something better then perfect or a fancier way to say perfect. To others it could mean otherworldly perfect." Its a fancier way to say perfect....or that's at least that's how i have always seen it." Zander didn't fully understand why he felt like he had been Fabians best friend for centuries. He knew that he made friends easily but...why did he have these feelings for him. Maybe he was just really likable and because he loves so easily that people fall for him. Now he felt badly thinking that maybe sounded vain. "I'm...just a eight." Zander didn't want to sound like bragger of his own appearance but he knew that he wasn't ugly. Which to him knowing that your ok was good and as long as you liked yourself. Then others would too. The touch on his cheek from Fabians finger tracing away the cheeks. Fabian didn't have to do it...but the fact that he did it in kindness made Zander feel happy about the soft touch. Then the question came and it caused Zander to nod and get up and get alcohol for Fabian from he mini fridge. He walked back and handed it too him with a smile." Be careful...drink too much and you may get a little.....I don't know how to describe it." Zander sat back down. He hadn't never drunken before this night and he had managed to get drunk. He had just been full of anger and sadness that had been now replaced with a little bit of happy and feelings he couldn't describe.

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ARE YOU PROUD OF
WHO I AM?

Fabian smiled at Zander when he gave a definition. "Thank you, but.. I don't think I am." he said. Then he took a glass from his sidetable, and filled it with the drink. He took huge gulps, almost choking, hoping that he could just forget about everything. The Games, Panem, the Uprising, all of it. Fabian looked away as he vigorously shook his head, and put the glass back on the sidetable. The alcohol had already taken over his system, it was going faster because he already ate dinner not too long ago. "You're a.. ten," he said smiling a little. He fell flat on his back onto the bed, and looked again at the starry filled ceiling, which had an image live of the beautiful sky. "Isn't it... wonderful?" he asked. And looked at Zander.

love is kind,
love is sweet. love has no walls.


The district eight tribute could understand if Fabian didn't want to be called perfect. Zander wasn't one to argue so he decided not to tell him that he was. Even if it was so obvious in his mind that it bothered Zander that he didn't think so. The young lad patted Fabians back when he gulped the alcohol from his glass hoping that he wasn't going to choke." You alright? Don't choke to death on me ok." He smiled a bit. Zander could only imagine how hard it be for someone back home to think that their tribute would be smiling. A blush came over his face as he came back little by little out of the drunkenness..but still not fully." Thanks Fabian. That was sweet of you." Zander looked at Fabian laying down and he wondered what he was looking at." Wow....its like the on back home." His brown eyes was now looking at ceiling that was showing a very realistic looking sky. The fluffy clouds reminded him of the ones he would sometimes see when jogging. It reminded him also that this was a illusion. " That is so cool." He was still amazed about the ceiling when the thought about home brought something else to mind. "There is also not much grass in district eight. Did you know that?" He looking beside him at Fabian."

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